Thu Apr 3

‘How was school today?’ How to help kids open up and say more than ‘fine’

Written by: Madeleine Fraser, Senior Lecturer in Clinical Psychology, Australian Catholic University

One of the first things parents want to ask their children after school is “how was your day?” We simply want to know how they are going and what happened at school.

But these conversations can feel like pulling teeth. Often you may only get a “good” or “fine” (if you’re lucky).

Why are children reluctant to divulge information about their day and how can you encourage more details?

Why don’t kids like to talk?

School can be overwhelming – with diverse social, academic and physical demands.

It may seem simple, but a genuine answer to the “how was school today” question requires considerable effort and decision making to synthesise information from a busy day. A child may also be hesitant to answer if they think a parent’s response might be anger, worry or confusion.

Children are also likely to be hungry and tired straight after school. They are probably thinking about a snack before a chat. If you think of psychologist Abraham Maslow’s famous theory about a “hierarchy of needs ^[1]”, survival needs like hunger are ideally met before communication and connection.

Children have also not yet fully developed a theory of mind ^[2] (an ability to image what’s going on in another person’s mind). So they might not understand why their parent is asking about school or what it is they want to know.

How can you prepare for a chat?

There are several things you can do to encourage a more informative conversation with your child.

1. Consider the purpose: ask yourself whether you want to gather information or simply connect with your child. To have a moment of connection you could simply say, “I’m so happy to see you” at the school gate. To seek information, ask a very specific question (that requires little mental effort on your child’s part). For example, “did you have your spelling test today”, rather than “what did you learn?”

3. Check your timing: instead of asking your child right after school, consider waiting. Better conversations may instead happen after the child decompresses with a favourite game and a snack, over dinner or even on way to school the next morning.

Try creating a routine to help your child prepare their answer, like the “rose dinner”. At the dinner table, everyone shares their daily “thorn” (something difficult or upsetting) and “petal” (something pleasant).

3. Consider the space: face-to-face conversations can create pressure and feel like an interrogation. This is why it’s common for psychologists to place therapy chairs on a slight angle to promote a calm, relaxed atmosphere where it is easier to disclose difficult things.

So try and do activities where you are side-by-side with your child. For example, walking or driving, doing craft, playing Lego, sport or cooking. Your child may spontaneously raise a topic – or you can model the conversation by talking about your day first.

An adult man and child sit and talk at a skate park.

It might be easier to talk during a walk or play outside. Stock Rocket/Shutterstock ^[3]

Time to chat

To create a comfortable, safe environment for your child during the chat, here are four more things to consider.

1. Really listen: if your child initiates a conversation, bring your full attention and enthusiasm to it (which means putting your phone away). If you are busy thinking about what you’re going to say next while your child is speaking, this is not high-quality listening ^[4].

Show you are listening by paraphrasing what they are saying or identifying their feelings. This helps them to feel like they are being listened to and understood.

If your child opens up about something important and they sense you are not supporting them or concentrating, you’re discouraging them from opening up in the future ^[5].

2. Be compassionate and curious: the urge to protect our kids is strong, but instead of trying to “solve” or “teach” them when they are talking, don’t be afraid of silence and curious questions. Curiosity helps us show we care ^[6], and allows the child to own their own experiences and reactions, rather than parents telling them how to feel.

For example, “Nick said I couldn’t play with him” could be responded to with “what was that like for you?” rather than outrage (“that’s horrible of Nick!”).

3. Celebrate strengths: when your child is talking, listen out for implicit strengths and values ^[7] in what your child has shared. Having a parent highlight an area of strength or skill for a child helps build their sense of self. For example, “it sounds like that upset you because you value fairness”.

4. Follow up: if your child speaks about upcoming events, check back in. For example, “last week you mentioned you were nervous about basketball trials, how are you feeling now?” This also shows you have listened.

There is no magic formula: each conversation is as different as the individuals who are part of it. So experiment with these ideas and take notice of what works for you and your child.