The Times Australia
The Times World News

.
The Times Real Estate

.

Family rifts affect millions of Americans – research shows possible paths from estrangement toward reconciliation

  • Written by Karl Pillemer, Hazel E. Reed Human Development Professor and Professor of Gerontology in Medicine, Cornell University
Family rifts affect millions of Americans – research shows possible paths from estrangement toward reconciliation

Family relationships are on many people’s minds during the holiday season as sounds and images of happy family celebrations dominate the media. Anyone whose experiences don’t live up to the holiday hype[1] may find this difficult or disappointing, but those feelings may be felt even more acutely among those involved in family rifts.

I have done a significant amount of research[2] on ambivalence and conflict in families, which led to a five-year study of family estrangements.

At the outset, I was surprised at how little evidence-based guidance exists on the frequency, causes and consequences of family estrangement, or how those involved cope with the stress of family rifts. There are few studies published in academic journals on the topic, as well as limited clinical literature. I sought to fill these gaps through a series of interrelated studies and have presented and described my findings in my 2020 book “Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them[3].”

My findings suggest that estrangement is widespread and that there are several common pathways people take on the way to a family rift. Also, people who decide to try to close such a rift have discovered a number of different routes for getting to reconciliation.

Anyone can experience a family rift

To get an idea of how much estrangement is going on, in 2019 I conducted a national survey[4] that asked the question: “Do you have any family members (i.e., parents, grandparents, siblings, children, uncles, aunts, cousins or other relatives) from whom you are currently estranged, meaning you have no contact with the family member at the present time?”

The survey involved a nationally representative sample of 1,340 Americans aged 18 and older whose demographics closely mirrored the United States population.

The data from this survey revealed no statistically significant differences in estrangement according to a number of factors, including race, marital status, gender, educational level and region where the respondent lived. This finding suggests that that estrangement is relatively evenly distributed in the population.

Over a quarter of the respondents – 27% – reported a current estrangement. Most had a rift with an immediate family member: 24% were estranged from a parent, 14% from a child and 30% from siblings. The remainder were estranged from other relatives.

There have yet to be any longitudinal studies on family rifts – studies that repeatedly survey participants with the same questions over time. So we do not know if estrangement is increasing or decreasing.

The sheer numbers, however, are striking. Extrapolating the national survey responses[5] to the entire U.S. adult population suggests that around 68 million people have at least one current estrangement.

Pathways to estrangement

Between 2016 and 2020 my research team conducted 270 in-depth interviews with individuals who experienced estrangements, around 100 of whom had reconciled.

The findings of this study, which are included in my book[6], reveal that there are multiple “pathways” to estrangement: diverse trajectories toward family rifts that unfold across people’s lives.

  • The long arm of the past. The groundwork for a family estrangement can be established early in life, through disruptions and difficulties that occur while growing up. Harsh parenting, emotional or physical abuse or neglect, parental favoritism and sibling conflict can impair relationships decades into the future.

  • The legacy of divorce. One frequent estrangement scenario involves the long-term effects of divorce in the lives of adult children. Loss of contact with one parent, or hostility between the former partners, can weaken parent-child bonds.

  • The problematic in-law. In-law relations can be challenging[7] under ordinary circumstances. But when the struggles between family of origin and family of marriage become intolerable, they can reach a breaking point.

  • Money and inheritance. Conflicts over wills, inheritance and financial issues are a major source of family rifts.

  • Values and lifestyle differences: Disapproval of a relative’s core values[8] can turn into outright rejection.

  • Unmet expectations: Estrangement can result when relatives violate norms for what others believe is proper behavior.

What about reconciliation?

This study[9] was the first in the field to focus intensively on individuals who had successfully reconciled after years or decades of estrangement.

By carefully analyzing their detailed accounts, my research team identified a number of strategies and approaches that worked for them:

  • Focus on the present. Many interviewees reported that the history of the estranged relationship was inseparably interwoven with present circumstances. In some family rifts, the past almost entirely overwhelmed the present moment. As a result, many people interpreted relatives’ present actions as signs or symptoms of underlying, decades-old pathologies. Nearly all who successfully reconciled reported that one key step was giving up attempts to force their interpretation of past events on the other person. They abandoned efforts to process the past and instead focused on the relationship’s present and future.

  • Revise expectations. Often respondents said that family values held them back from reconciling, because the other person had violated their standards for proper family life. Reconciliation involved modifying or dropping past expectations and abandoning the urge to force the relative to change.

A man and a woman converse in front of bookshelves.
Many people interviewed in a research study on estrangement said that focusing on the relationship’s present, rather than continuing to try to understand its past, was a key step toward mending the family rift. Cecilie_Arcurs/E+ via Getty Images[10]
  • Create clear boundaries. Interviewees reported that making the terms of the reconciliation as unambiguous as possible was key to moving beyond old grievances and patterns of behavior. Even people who had severed ties because of intolerable behaviors were able to create clear, specific, take-it-or-leave-it conditions for one final try to repair the relationship.

Whether or not to reconcile

Whether to attempt a reconciliation is a complicated decision. Some family situations involve damaging behavior, a history of abuse or currently dangerous individuals. People experiencing these extreme situations may find that cutting off contact is the only solution, and a critical one for their safety and psychological well-being.

Many interviewees in challenging situations like these reported that working with a counseling professional helped them answer the question, “Am I ready to reconcile?” In some cases, the answer was “no.”

[Too busy to read another daily email? Get one of The Conversation’s curated weekly newsletters[11].]

One positive finding of my research is that those who reconciled their rift found it to be an engine for personal growth. Reengaging with the family – after careful consideration and preparation – was almost never regretted.

However, it was a highly individual decision and not for everyone.

A need for knowledge

There are still gaps to fill in the basic research on how and why family rifts[12] and reconciliations occur. Further, there is no evidence-based therapy or treatment for individuals coping with or trying to resolve estrangements. Therefore, intervention research is critically needed.

Expanding research and clinical insight on this widespread problem may help pave the way to solutions that will help not just at the holidays, but over the course of the entire year.

References

  1. ^ experiences don’t live up to the holiday hype (www.wired.com)
  2. ^ a significant amount of research (www.human.cornell.edu)
  3. ^ Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them (www.karlpillemer.com)
  4. ^ national survey (www.karlpillemer.com)
  5. ^ national survey responses (www.karlpillemer.com)
  6. ^ included in my book (www.karlpillemer.com)
  7. ^ In-law relations can be challenging (digitalcommons.unl.edu)
  8. ^ Disapproval of a relative’s core values (dx.doi.org)
  9. ^ This study (www.karlpillemer.com)
  10. ^ Cecilie_Arcurs/E+ via Getty Images (www.gettyimages.com)
  11. ^ Get one of The Conversation’s curated weekly newsletters (memberservices.theconversation.com)
  12. ^ basic research on how and why family rifts (doi.org)

Read more https://theconversation.com/family-rifts-affect-millions-of-americans-research-shows-possible-paths-from-estrangement-toward-reconciliation-165781

The Times Features

Best Deals on Home Furniture Online

Key Highlights Discover the best deals on high-quality outdoor furniture online. Transform your outdoor space into a stylish and comfortable oasis. Explore a wide range of d...

Discover the Best Women's Jumpers for Every Season

Key Highlights Explore lightweight jumpers for spring and summer, ensuring breathability and ease. Wrap up warm with cozy wool jumpers for the chilly autumn and winter season...

Uncover the Elegance of Gorgeous Diamond Tennis Necklaces

Key Highlights Diamond tennis necklaces are a timeless piece of jewelry that exudes elegance and sophistication. They feature a continuous line of brilliant-cut diamonds, cre...

Dental Implants vs. Dentures: Which Is Better for You?

When it comes to replacing missing teeth, two of the most common options are dental implants and dentures. Both have their advantages and disadvantages, so choosing between them ...

What Neck Pain Really Means (And Why It’s More Than Just Poor Posture)

Neck pain is often brushed off as something temporary — a tight spot after a long day at the desk or a poor night’s sleep. But when the discomfort keeps returning, it could be a ...

The Work of Gosha Rubchinskiy: Fashion, Culture, and Youth

From Designer to Cultural Architect Gosha Rubchinskiy is not just a fashion designer—he's a cultural force. Born in Moscow in 1984, Rubchinskiy began his career in fashion in t...

Times Magazine

The Essential Guide to Transforming Office Spaces for Maximum Efficiency

Why Office Fitouts MatterA well-designed office can make all the difference in productivity, employee satisfaction, and client impressions. Businesses of all sizes are investing in updated office spaces to create environments that foster collaborat...

The A/B Testing Revolution: How AI Optimized Landing Pages Without Human Input

A/B testing was always integral to the web-based marketing world. Was there a button that converted better? Marketing could pit one against the other and see which option worked better. This was always through human observation, and over time, as d...

Using Countdown Timers in Email: Do They Really Increase Conversions?

In a world that's always on, where marketers are attempting to entice a subscriber and get them to convert on the same screen with one email, the power of urgency is sometimes the essential element needed. One of the most popular ways to create urg...

Types of Software Consultants

In today's technology-driven world, businesses often seek the expertise of software consultants to navigate complex software needs. There are several types of software consultants, including solution architects, project managers, and user experienc...

CWU Assistive Tech Hub is Changing Lives: Win a Free Rollator Walker This Easter!

🌟 Mobility. Independence. Community. All in One. This Easter, the CWU Assistive Tech Hub is pleased to support the Banyule community by giving away a rollator walker. The giveaway will take place during the Macleod Village Easter Egg Hunt & Ma...

"Eternal Nurture" by Cara Barilla: A Timeless Collection of Wisdom and Healing

Renowned Sydney-born author and educator Cara Barilla has released her latest book, Eternal Nurture, a profound collection of inspirational quotes designed to support mindfulness, emotional healing, and personal growth. With a deep commitment to ...

LayBy Shopping