The Times Australia
The Times World News

.

Should you reward kids for success? Or is there a better way to talk about achievement?

  • Written by Sarah Jefferson, Senior Lecturer in Education, Edith Cowan University

It’s become a ritual in our family – after a long day at his rowing regatta, my 17-year-old son and I get fast food on the way home. I am sure there are far more nutritious ways to replace the calories he’s burned. But I make no apologies for the pit stop.

The food is a treat for trying hard all day – rather than whatever place he might have come. I am also sure my son would still compete if there were no hot chips to follow, as he loves the sport.

But parents are often offering their children rewards for to encourage or discourage all sorts of behaviours[1]. They do this from a very young age.

Think of the star chart on the fridge for the 18-month-old to use a potty. Or the ice cream for dessert if homework is done, or a goal is scored at football. For older kids, there might be financial rewards for As in exams.

Is this the best thing to do?

It seems natural to offer a reward

Parents offer rewards because they think it will help a child reach a desired goal.

Kids often need encouragement to do the right thing, even when they absolutely do not feel like doing it. One of our main jobs as parents is to help children learn how to behave, find coping mechanisms when times are tough and reach their potential.

The rewards approach is also used in school classrooms. Kids are offered inducements such as stickers, stamps, early marks and free time if they finish early or do what they are told.

A sticker chart in a classroom, featuring stars for 'Jack' and 'Hannah'.
Rewards such as gold stars are common in schools. Daisy Daisy/Shutterstock, CC BY[2][3]

The problem[4] with this (even though kids tend to love it) is it may change the behaviour in the moment, but it’s unlikely to change anything long term.

It means children are working for a reward[5], rather than engaging with learning or taking their own initiative.

A narrow view of success

By using reward in this way, we paint “success” as a specific outcome, rather than the effort a child or student puts in.

It’s also arguable managing failure is just as important as achieving success. Offering stickers is not going to build psychological resilience or teach kids how to hold space for big feelings or self compassion.

We also know socioemotional and academic development varies wildly for children and teenagers[6]. So definitions of “success” should be flexible enough to accommodate this.

How to frame success for your child

If we want to set young people up as lifelong learners – who will be self-motivated and able to manage their emotions – education and psychology research tells us there are healthier ways to approach success.

Talk about effort not success

This means you are focusing on the process[7], not the end result. This is more within a child’s control. For instance, if the child is competing in sport, keep the conversation on the number of times they have trained, rather than whether they got a particular time or place.

If they are doing an important exam, focus on how much they have progressed during the year to get to this point, rather than a certain grade.

Focus on what intrinsically drives a kid

By supporting our children in their passions, we also take a strengths-based approach[8]. This means honing in on existing passions, rather than hassling them about problems or things they are less enthused about.

It remains a mystery to me why you would want to climb out of bed at 4.45am to row on icy water. But my son loves to keep fit and be with this friends. It is also a good outlet for any teenage tendencies towards risk-taking[9]. So this means supporting his need to connect, belong and push himself physically (even if it does mean some very early car trips to training).

But another child might be fascinated by playing chess, cheerleading or cooking. These can all involve communication, negotiation, skill development, patience and detailed processes. So success – if and when it comes – is just a bonus.

A group of children raise pom poms in the air.
Many activities can teach children valuable skills if they are passionate about it. Jenna Hidinger/Shutterstock, CC BY[10][11]

Keep your love and care unconditional

You may be proud of your kids for achieving something big (such as a certificate at school assembly, or a good grade in a music exam). But your love and care for them should not change.

By the same token, if they get sent out of assembly for talking or never practise the violin, your love and care also does not change.

Don’t say harsh and hurtful things

We all get frustrated with our kids. We all wish they would just do what they need to so we can all get through our day.

But unfortunately, you are the grown up. So, phrases like, “and THIS is why you won’t make the team” or “why you can’t you be more organised like sibling A or B?” are also profoundly unhelpful. They can undermine your child’s self-esteem and confidence. Even if you think it, do not say it.

So, by all means, give your child a treat. And celebrate special occasions. But try to avoid consistently offering rewards as incentives to do or achieve certain things.

References

  1. ^ behaviours (files.eric.ed.gov)
  2. ^ Daisy Daisy/Shutterstock (www.shutterstock.com)
  3. ^ CC BY (creativecommons.org)
  4. ^ problem (www.educationtoday.com.au)
  5. ^ working for a reward (www.edweek.org)
  6. ^ varies wildly for children and teenagers (www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov)
  7. ^ focusing on the process (www.tandfonline.com)
  8. ^ strengths-based approach (researchoutput.csu.edu.au)
  9. ^ towards risk-taking (www.ccyp.wa.gov.au)
  10. ^ Jenna Hidinger/Shutterstock (www.shutterstock.com)
  11. ^ CC BY (creativecommons.org)

Read more https://theconversation.com/should-you-reward-kids-for-success-or-is-there-a-better-way-to-talk-about-achievement-237972

Times Magazine

Building a Strong Online Presence with Katoomba Web Design

Katoomba web design is more than just creating a website that looks good—it’s about building an online presence that reflects your brand, engages your audience, and drives results. For local businesses in the Blue Mountains, a well-designed website a...

September Sunset Polo

International Polo Tour To Bridge Historic Sport, Life-Changing Philanthropy, and Breath-Taking Beauty On Saturday, September 6th, history will be made as the International Polo Tour (IPT), a sports leader headquartered here in South Florida...

5 Ways Microsoft Fabric Simplifies Your Data Analytics Workflow

In today's data-driven world, businesses are constantly seeking ways to streamline their data analytics processes. The sheer volume and complexity of data can be overwhelming, often leading to bottlenecks and inefficiencies. Enter the innovative da...

7 Questions to Ask Before You Sign IT Support Companies in Sydney

Choosing an IT partner can feel like buying an insurance policy you hope you never need. The right choice keeps your team productive, your data safe, and your budget predictable. The wrong choice shows up as slow tickets, surprise bills, and risky sh...

Choosing the Right Legal Aid Lawyer in Sutherland Shire: Key Considerations

Legal aid services play an essential role in ensuring access to justice for all. For people in the Sutherland Shire who may not have the financial means to pay for private legal assistance, legal aid ensures that everyone has access to representa...

Watercolor vs. Oil vs. Digital: Which Medium Fits Your Pet's Personality?

When it comes to immortalizing your pet’s unique personality in art, choosing the right medium is essential. Each artistic medium, whether watercolor, oil, or digital, has distinct qualities that can bring out the spirit of your furry friend in dif...

The Times Features

What Makes a Small Group Tour of Italy So Memorable?

Traveling to Italy is on almost every bucket list. From the rolling hills of Tuscany to the sparkling canals of Venice, the country is filled with sights, flavors, and experiences ...

Latest data suggests Australia is overcoming its sugar addiction

Australia is now meeting the World Health Organization’s (WHO) guidelines[1] on sugar, which recommend keeping sugar below 10% of daily energy intake. New data[2] published ...

Do you really need a dental check-up and clean every 6 months?

Just over half of Australian adults[1] saw a dental practitioner in the past 12 months, most commonly for a check-up[2]. But have you been told you should get a check-up and c...

What is a Compounding Pharmacy and Why Do You Need One in Melbourne?

Ever picked up a prescription and thought, this pill is too big, too bitter, or full of things I cannot have? That is where a compounding chemist becomes important. A compounding p...

Deep Cleaning vs Regular Cleaning: Which One Do Perth Homes Really Need?

Whether you live in a coastal home in Cottesloe or a modern apartment in East Perth, keeping your living space clean isn’t just about aesthetics, it’s essential for your health and...

Rubber vs Concrete Wheel Stops: Which is Better for Your Car Park?

When it comes to setting up a car park in Perth, wheel stops are a small feature that make a big difference. From improving driver accuracy to preventing costly damage, the right c...